Today I am going to a funeral and wake for my friend Jess. He passed away a week ago-ish. He was young. He decided to take his own life. For what reason, I do not pretend to think I will ever really know. All I know is my community is shaken and bruised, and my heart is sore. I hope today will give us all some sense of closure, some lifting of the gloom. It's beautiful to see everyone come together as friends and support each other. Lots of hugging and comfort. Not a lot of words.
The rest of my life is fine internally. Externally, my friends are going through nine levels of personal hell. Each of them is handling said hell to the best of their abilities. It's hard to watch people hurt, with no magic wand to wave, no pithy comment to make everyone feel better.
I had a thought the other day while I was talking to a friend. I was explaining my week - Jess dying, friends' lives in crises, my computer hard drive exploding (seriously - not a good thing) and how all of this stress was stacking high in my life, but yet I felt only sadness, not panic, not anxiety, not "Oh god NOW what am I going to DO?!" My ability to manage life has come a long way int he past five years. No more victim-y whinging and finger pointing. Just a sigh and a heave and a ho and go get it fixed, listen intently and allow the feelings to process in their own due course. There's nothing to DO other than BE. This may be as close to zen as I get.
I have not been on a date in 5 months. I'm not sure why, but I suspect I may have something to do with this. I am getting far too comfortable alone. Or maybe that's just the way things are meant to be. I certainly have nothing to complain about, other than a distinct lack of male company. I have only met one man recently that even sparked interest. And I highly doubt anything will come of it, and that's not a heartbreak.
Ah The Doors. Memories. I never listen to them anymore. I used to lock myself in my bedroom and sit in the dark and absorb every note, even intonation of Jim Morrison's voice into my being. I was not terribly happy, obviously.
I have been taking Pilates with my former roommate as my instructor. Mylene and i have always gotten along well, and I'm glad we've reconnected. Pilates seems to be a good fit for me. I'm 25 classes in and still enjoying it - have another 20 sessions on the docket. Haven't exactly lost weight, but I feel a lot stronger. I think if I were to go back to doing some weight training, I'd have better success. Not that I'm doing that. At all. For now.
My sister, her boyfriend and I are buying a sailboat. This makes me very happy. It's on a mooring pin over in Telegraph Harbour on Thetis Island. It's a 22 ft Catalina, in great shape and ready to sail. I haven't sailed in years, but I'm eager to take her out and get my chops back up. That's her in the picture. She's currently called WindSong, which I do not like at all. There's debate over renaming her, but I think we should. Something more "us" and less "WindSong".
Further details on boats, etc to follow.
X out.
