A Letter to the Gekko Population of Costa Rica

My dear Gekkos,

I know that most people think you're all quite cute and harmless. As humans, we have animated you with British accents and made ad campaigns with you. Surfers and other outdoorsy types have bumper stickers of you in quasi-ethnic motifs. My niece thinks you're the cat's ass.

I'm an open minded woman, gekkos. I try not to judge. I give second chances, perhaps even when I shouldn't. So I'll let last night go. But I hope you take the following advice to your cold gekko hearts, lest I become a redheaded woman scorned.

First of all - if you have sticky feet and can hang upside down, please be consistent. If you're feeling tired and think your sticky powers are failing, stick to the ground. Or at least try to avoid the large white blocks under you that humans use as beds. I don't know, perhaps my visitor last night was a gekko at the end of his life and just wanted to end it all, but regardless, if you MUST fall from the ceiling, please pay attention to the following:

The long, stringy stuff on top of our female human heads is HAIR. It's attached. It can be straight or curly, it comes in many lengths and colours. The curly variety, as my nocturnal halo diver can attest, tends to be tangled. Again, avoidance is the best policy, but if your unstuck self hurtles south into a pile of hair, please, don't panic.

The twitching and scurrying that said panic induces has a particular affect on a sleeping female. We're likely dreaming, and the incorporation of critters in our hair into any dream will only result in a rude awakening for all involved. There will, at least, be utterance of vulgarities. Some may scream. (I did not.)

Once you have been fished out of the hair, for god's sakes (and yours) stay still. Flicking about in the hand of a now irritated female is a bad idea. This makes us want to splat you against a wall.

The act of throwing generally involves bringing the arm toward the body, then thrusting the arm away to achieve some velocity and distance for the object being thrown. The moment when the arm is closest to the body is NOT the time to engineer your escape.

The resulting flailing upon your arrival on the bosom and torso of the female is not a celebratory dance, nor is it a religious ecstasy. It is fear, disgust and hate.

Once you are recaptured and thrown, take the hint. Don't land on the bed. If You do, and you are kicked at from under the sheet, LET GO OF THE SHEET. This is not the time to reclaim your sticky feet.

Once you land on the tile floor, make your way to the nearest exit. Please note that the female will spend an hour looking for you to ensure her sleep will be uninterrupted, even though it's more likely that she'll move out to the couch rather that risk another "visit".

I thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Christina